Fall Classic Facial Hair Primer
by Brian Schwartz
Baseball fans have seen a lot of Scott Spiezio’s beard lately. They’ve seen the beard on the Cardinal outfielder himself, of course: the wispy pink flavor saver hangs under Spiezio’s lower lip like a forgotten tuft of cotton candy. But Spiezio’s beard has also appeared, in slightly less organic form, on the chins of young children and 60-something Midwestern grandmas sitting at Busch Stadium in St. Louis. In the National League Championship Series, the Cardinals and the Mets were the story on the field; the electric Kool Aid soul patch was the story in the stands.
What were these faux beards made of—carpet samples? Tinsel? Shredded bubble gum? And what does it mean about our nation, our culture, that we are sometimes moved to imitate our favorite athletes not only by wearing their jerseys but by taping fake pink hair to our faces? These are questions for another time, another meditation. But with the World Series just about underway, the stakes for ballplayer facial hair are higher than ever.
If any of the ballplayers headed to Detroit this weekend to play in America’s grandest baseball derby are still not yet committed to any particular style of facial hair, the following primer might be helpful. These player-tested beard and mustache fashions deserve consideration from World Series participants who haven’t yet decided on anything but generic stubble.
The Russian Revolutionary Mustache: Wearer must be handsome and have no sense of irony. See José Valentín.
The Barely There Chin Shadow: Good for young catchers with mysteriously musical names. (Example: Yadier Molina.)
The Scraggle: Unkempt, soiled, and not recommended, although Jeff Suppan draws a Samson-like power from this style.
Miami Vice: A controlled, purposeful version of the above. Good if the tabloids have already more or less revealed your inner sleaziness. See Paul Lo Duca.
Teddy Bear Goatee: Makes large power hitters like Carlos Delgado seem less threatening.
Ex-Con Goatee: Makes large power hitters like Albert Pujols seem more threatening.
The Manager: Jim Leyland uses his ’stache to project a blend of authority and avuncular camaraderie.
The Tongue: Ron Belliard, please put it away.
reminds me of the amazing ‘gash or tash’ identifying quiz:
http://www2.b3ta.com/gash-or-tash/
well done brian!
— tyson Oct 30, 12:58 AM #