Dear God and/or NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell,
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I apologize for my inconstancy. But, you see, I felt like I didn’t need you. I felt like my dependence on the Philadelphia Eagles was something I could work through on my own. I even thought that I could enjoy the Eagles like I might enjoy a cheesesteak from John’s Roast Pork — a dangerous pleasure, for sure, but nothing to worry about. I don’t eat one every week.
But the Cowboys! You understand that I hate the Cowboys more than any other sports team, more than the Braves or the Devils or the Lakers. You know that I’m even suspicious of my best friend Matthew McKown because he used to support the Cowboys (His excuse: he grew up in Mexico). Yes, of course, you know.
So I’m writing, as part of my 12-step program, Eagles Anonymous, to “humbly ask God and/or Comissioner Goodell to remove all my shortcomings.” I was wrong to forsake you. The pull of the NFL is too powerful to resist on my own. Please help me. Help me forget McNabb’s fumble on the first snap, and just about every snap that followed in the Eagles horrible 38-17 home disaster against Dallas. The score was misleading. The drubbing was worse than that. Help me forget Terrell Owens running free across the middle of the field, trotting into the end-zone easily. Of all people, why T.O.! Please help me forget the dorky smile of Tony Romo as he threw for 324 yards and 3 touchdowns. I won’t even mention our offense.
Please help me make a clean break. I don’t need to worry about the Eagles any more. I have things to do. My closet doors are literally falling off the hinges. I have deadlines to meet. The season has sidetracked me. I spend the weekend worrying about the games and the weekdays worrying about the games. Help me get my free time back. Maybe I’ll finally finish that novel, or, better yet, I’ll start volunteering on Sundays. I promise.
Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I’ve missed while watching the Eagles defenders get manhandled by guys named Flozell. Isn’t there a war going on? And an election? Do I even care? What about Pakistan? Even the lawyers are up in arms. And the writers too! I don’t even know why. All I do is make sullen phone calls to my brother that begin and end with “Eagles suck.” Then I read about the Eagles sucking: two interceptions, three sacks, 66 yards rushing, idiot play calling. God and/or Commish, remove these shortcomings.
God, Commish, please, when someone asks me where I’m from, remove this shortcoming: the chip in my head that automatically produces the word, “Philadelphia.” Make me from Pennsylvania maybe, or the mid-Atlantic, or even America, anyplace where the Eagles don’t matter so much.