Here at The Modern Spectator, we don’t care much for either the Colorado Rockies or the Boston Red Sox, but we still feel compelled to watch the World Series. As Americans, it’s practically our job. Hoping to make it a little more interesting, we’ve attempted to determine which team to root against more, through a scientific breakdown of their negative qualities. Here goes.
Lamest Ballpark, Overall
You have to keep the balls in a humidor, and the centerfield nature scene evokes corporate cheesiness more than Rocky Mountain vistas. We’ll take stinkin’ Fenway.
Lamest Lawn-mowing Job
The socks at Fenway look really weird.
Curt Schilling. What a narcissistic, drama queen this guy is, and a right winger to boot. Just read his blog. Actually, scratch that. Don’t give him the page views.
Least Cool Baby Faced Pitcher
Josh Beckett also got votes for worst facial hair for his absurd whiskers. But we put him in this category because he still looks like a little kid trying to be old, whereas the Rockies’ Jeff Francis just looks like a little kid, plain and simple. Sometimes he even seems like a frightened little guy, as he is striking out humongous adults. (Incidently, David Ortiz would win our vote for best facial hair, most badass looking slugger, and all around coolest guy).
Most Boring Superstar
We have nothing against the Rockies outstanding slugger Matt Holliday, but his name is a little Barbie Dream House. He even looks a bit like Ken. We’ll take Manny Ramirez any day. He sold his grill on eBay, and even David Ortiz calls him a ‘crazy motherfucker’.
Scariest Frat-boy Dancer
Jonathan Papelbon does the Irish jig in spandex.
Most Annoying Fan Gimmick
We hate the whole idea of the “Red Sox Nation” and really, do you need to get negative right away with these Rockies Suck T-shirts? It’s the Colorado Rockies, for God’s sakes, not the Yankees.
Creepiest Christian Ideology
The Rockies are seeking players ‘with character.’
Most Bloated Payroll
The Rockies payroll is almost $100 million less than that of the Red Sox.
Some of us hate Manny Ramirez’s disgusting helmet, but it does make us wonder where the helmet ends and we begin. Besides the Rockies deserve lots of negative points for their uniforms and color scheme, so add this one.
How can you have anything but fair weather fans when the team was established in 1993? In contrast the Bo Sox were founded in 1901. To make matters worse, for the Rockies, the Sox were then known as the Boston Americans. They’re like practically the Founding Fathers.
Enough already with the tradition. The 86-year curse. The Green Monster. The slavish fandom. The self-mythologizing. Even some Bostonians are sick of it.
We don’t want to give anyone points for this. We just want to say Big Pappi, although some of us (Read: Mike) think this is a ridiculous nickname.
Worst Batting Stance
Kevin Youkilis holds the bat in an annoying way, and is generally disconcerting at the plate. Plus, he’s got the shaved head/goatee thing going on.
Most Inept Website
Got to hate Colorado for not being better prepared to handle the deluge of fans seeking tix.
Trying to copyright the term Rocktober should make any classic rock radio station fan revolt.
Worst Beer Gut
We’re not giving points for this because we like beer guts, but we don’t like Curt Schilling, who takes this one easily. As Harper notes, “I thought he had found ‘new dedication’ to the sport, but it looks like he’s found a way to channel ex-teammate John Kruk’s penchant for having a jolly belly.”
Most Annoyingly Talented, Yet Unpronounceable Rookie
If it wasn’t for their great plays in the postseason, we might not know who Tulowitzki or Pedroia were. We still have no idea how to spell their names, but we say them whenever we get the chance: Tulowitzki, Pedroia, Tulowitzki, Pedroia.
Player Who Makes You Wonder What the Hell Was Wrong with His Parents
We aren’t awarding points for this one either, but since Milton Bradley is not part of the Series, we just want to give a shout out to Coco Crisp.
Saddest Branding Attempt to Make This Series Seem Cooler Than It Will Be
Rox vs. Sox
In the end, it’s 8-8. Screw it. It’s hockey season.
Thanks to Harper Langston, Ben McGrath, and Joe Kelley for their contributions.
See also: Brian Schwartz reflects on fractured familial fandom.
Since I have little interest in this series, I have decided to keep a tally on how many times McCarver tells the same stories and how many useless stats he and Buck come up with. For example, McCarver has now told the story about how Mariano once talked about how Ortiz’s swing has “no holes” in it at least 3 times this postseason (including once last night, and Buck seemed to ignore him). Plus, last night they both declared that this was the first time in World Series history that one pitcher struck out all 3 batters in the top of the 1st, and the leadoff hitter hit a home run in the bottome of the first. Great stat guys – can’t wait to see what they come up with next!
— Harper Oct 25, 11:38 AM #
Best Real Man: Kevin Youkilis. This guy puts all the pansies to shame. He does have a weird batting stance, granted (freely), but at the same time it’s cool in that it resembles a caveman wielding his club just before he strikes a small, helpless animal. This guy looks like he eats a lot of meat, and when he does it’s messy. I like to think he beats his girlfriend, or at least is a little rough with her.
Best Psycho Dancer With A Death Stare and A Slightly Threatening Gay Leather Vibe: Jonathan Papelbon
Youkilis is too much of a mensch to beat his girlfriend, but I get the “consumes raw meat” vibe. Could be the thick goatee (Todd Helton comes in a close second for thickest goatee, though).
— Harper Oct 26, 09:44 AM #
Austin – I actually turned off the sound for the last two games, so I can’t give an accurate account for the whole Series, but I do know I heard the Ortiz comment twice during the ALCS and once in the first game of the Series. There were some other things he mentioned multiple times, but I should’ve written them down!
— harper Oct 31, 12:07 PM #